I Am Not My Net Worth – Thought #7 (30 Thoughts @ 30)

Money doesn’t say anything about my character, my value or who I am.
Look, those who know me will tell you that I I’m a sucker for fancy and pretty things, and Pinterest is my downfall 😃.  But also, our family doesn’t have a lot of money.  Ok, honestly speaking, we have enough for our needs and the lifestyle we chose.  One of things we had our hearts set on from the beginning of our marriage was that I’d be primarily at home, so as to be able to be the primary caregiver to our kids in the first few years, and obviously that decision has implied that we mostly live on one salary.  But we did count that cost beforehand, and we choose that decision everyday, and we truly are happy.  I know the implications of my lifestyle choices, and I’m content and very happy with my life 🙂

However, I realised that sometimes through my thoughts I have the tendency to attach my worth and identity to the amount of money I have……it’s very much a subconscious thing.  For example, I’ve found myself feeling ashamed/belittled/(can’t pin down the exact feeling) when I can’t afford something……as in, not wanting to say that I can’t afford something…because in my mind, there’s something wrong with that….like “What will people think of me?”, or maybe it’s a pride thing, I dunno…..let me give you an example….

So…..I’m away on holiday right now……so I have a budget of what I have to spend on food, activities, accommodation, travel, etc.  So, last night at the hotel, I checked out the dinner options and chose one that will suit my budget…..and made my order.  But then the waiter kept on offering me a hundred and one things before and after my meal…..and I was like “No, I’m fine, thanks”. 
Truth is, I was fine and didn’t want all those things anyway (except if they were free..then that would’ve been a different story…haha!)……but anyway even if I did want those things, I would’ve been able to buy them, but only if I shuffled funds from other budget items….

That’s besides the point…..after the waiter went away (he’d even offered me a complimentary drink 😕), I started having this unpleasant feeling (can’t pin down exact emotion)……I didn’t want him to have a “wrong perception” of me….to think I don’t have money……and then I thought “Wait, a minute, why does it matter to me whether he thinks I have money or not?”.  I realised that subconsciously, I felt somewhat “ashamed” because somewhere deep deep inside I felt that not having money somehow makes me lesser (of whatever) in some way.

I think maybe it comes from not having money growing up……where having money was an aspiration……and an aspiration by nature is “a better state that we wish to arrive at”, which most times means that we are unhappy or find something wrong with where we are, or we don’t think that where we are or who we are is good…..do you get me?

So….long story short….I realised that my thinking was so messed up…..and asked God to help me get it right.  There’s nothing wrong with not having a certain amount of money……and having lots of money doesn’t make you awesome.

We tend to glorify or idolise everything around money….people with money…..houses or cars that cost a lot of money…..things and places that require a lot of money…..we feel good when we do things that cost a lot of money….like we’ve made it…..and first thing we want to do is Instagram them…..because we feel so good about ourselves, and the people must see how good we have it.

Money is very important, yes….trust me, I’m very aware of the importance of money.  However, money is just a tool to get the things that we need, and we should be careful not to let it define who we are, who we associate with, what we are known for, how we feel about people, the things we do, how we view life, how we treat people, etc.  And I’ll be honest and admit that I tend not to treat poor people with the same respect, dignity and love that I would treat a rich person with, but it’s an area I’ve asked God to help me in…to love without condition.

Grace vs Mercy – Thought #6 (30 Thoughts @ 30)

I had one of those light bulb moments …..I read Titus 2 and (think) I finally understand the difference between Grace and Mercy.  It’s been tricky because we tend to use grace and mercy interchangeably, and even in our languages, there’s usually one translation for both words so I’ve always thought these two kinda meant the same thing….until I read this scripture tonight…..
Titus 2:11-12 (GNB)
“For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age….”

The way I understand it:

GRACE enables us to live a godly life, it helps us to say no when we know we can’t say no otherwise, helps us to choose well, helps us to bring His kingdom in this fallen world, helps us to overcome sin, helps us do things we can’t do in our own strength, helps us live victoriously.

MERCY is there to catch us if/when we fall. 

Grace has given me everything I need to live a successful and victorious life….but if i stumble, Mercy is there to help me up.

Why, then, would I have any reason to fear anything when there’s no chance to lose with God?…..when together, Grace and Mercy will pursue me for the rest of my life…….How wonderful are Your ways, Oh God, your Word is like Vicks to my blocked nose 😂😂😂

Thought #5 (30 Thoughts @ 30)

Our 5 year old daughter, Kumi is such an independent child.  I know parents wish for their kids to be independent but I really find myself struggling a lot of times with my daughter because I feel like she is too independent  (is there even such a thing?)…. she wants to do Everything by herself…..and yes, in some places, I need to let go and let her be, but other times, I still feel like some things she shouldn’t do on her own…like, I let her make cereal for her and her brother….that’s fine but she also like to make tea for herself and i think that’s a bit dangerous because there’s boiling water involved….but she’s so stubborn and strong-willed, I’ve given up and let her do it anyway…..initially with a little guidance, but now she does it without even asking.  The other day, I was brewing coffee and asked her to go to the kitchen and switch the stove off for me….next thing I had a cup of coffee in my hand…haha!
So, I just pray for grace and wisdom to be able to know with all things when to hold her hand as a parent and when to let it go and be a friend.

I’ve realised there’s a parallel between our parenting relationships and our relationship with God.  When I initially got to know God, my relationship with Him was a lot like that of a parent and a small child, His word holding my hand…..teaching me what to do and what not to do.  And honestly,  I can’t say I understood or agreed with everything that was in His word, but I let myself be guided because I trusted Him.  Now, even though He is still very much my Father, I think in a lot of ways, our relationship is more like that of friends.  He still holds my hand but we walk more side by side as friends now.  And one thing I love the most is that as time goes by, He starts bringing an understanding to the things that i didn’t understand before.  As with our parenting, there are some things that we will teach our children to do or not do, and they will not understand or might even fight us on those things, but later reap the rewards as they come to an understanding.  I feel like with some things God and I are at that place where He shows me the wisdom and real understanding behind the things that He has taught….and it’s so cool, because it makes me feel like I’m not a child anymore but a grown up who can reason with my Father…..and now I even feel more at liberty to even question things that He says…and to really express my feelings when I don’t understand something, and we can really chat it out ….haha! But even so, there are still some areas where I’m still a baby…..some places where we are still pretty much at the basics haha! If this was a relationship on Facebook, it would be under “It’s Complicated” 😀

So……uhmmmm….clearly I failed to have 30 thoughts before 30 *hides* lol!
To defend myself, I had lots of thoughts but failed to finish them and write them down……but the journey continues……I’ll finish what I started…..but now it will continue  *ahem* as  “30 Thoughts @ 30” 🙂

Thought #4 – (30 Thoughts Before 30)

This morning, I was praying for our family, for our day today……our 5 year old daughter goes to ballet classes, and I started praying and thinking about her dancing.  I know as parents, we have dreams of what we want our kids to achieve in life, how we want to see them explore and succeed in their gifts and talents…..so I was thinking about her future in dancing, what to pray for specifically, when this thought hit me: our main aim should be to glorify God, and everything else should just be a cherry on top.

My initial thought was to pray for her career in dancing….(we think dancing is one of the talents she has, she’d even received a prophetic word as a baby that she’ll be a dancer)…..so there I was, dreaming for my baby girl…..thinking. …”Oh God, bless her….let her be an awesome dancer…let her dance to millions of audiences” ……and then I started thinking about why we do the things we do…..the purpose of everything in our lives really…..or what it should be….and I came to the conclusion that everything we do should be to glorify God. 

We each have different talents and gifts…..and some people will serve hundreds of thousands, even millions with their gifts, some will serve hundreds…..some maybe only a few, some maybe just one person, who knows…..I think that when we think of our talents, or our children’s talents, we always gravitate towards wanting to see our gifts being enjoyed by millions…we see ourselves or them on world stages….but the truth is that not everyone will get to be on a national or world platform for everyone to see and enjoy their gifts…..but even more than that…..I think that our primary and main audience should be God.  I think that all that we have should be pursued and used to glorify Him first…our heart should be to use what He has given us to worship Him with it…..our enjoyment, satisfaction and affirmation should come from that…..and then whether or not we get to perform for 5, 5 000 or 50 000 people should just be the cherry on top…..I know our talents are meant to serve other people, but our affirmation and significance should be the same whether we just get to dance in our living room all our lives, or get to dance to an audience of millions…..the size of the audience shouldn’t define us…..that’s dangerous….the only audience we should need is God…..everything else should be the cherry on top.